I lay down my pain
This is not a judgmental entry is just a story from my side.
This entry is going to be super long and so along the way, if you may not feel comfortable in reading, my advice is you click the button on the top right hand corner with it a cross inside a red box if you are using Window and the square red cross button on the top left hand corner if you are a Mac user.
*This is just going to be my super personal and I am not afraid of what you guys are going to judge me and condemn me on or even going to see me from today onwards, because after this, I will lay it at the altar and truly move on.* - I am not hiding anything or details, so to whoever are reading, if it does offense you, I am sorry. Anyway, call me childish or naive, immature or inexperience, I am still going to write this down.
The shock of my life came just 3 days ago. I found my very FIRST boyfriend attached. It was just 2 months 6 days since the day we ended the journey. It was just about 5 months since we first got together and 8 months since we first known each other. Maybe I should have already expected it when I approached him FIRST as a friend again with the intention to start all over again in January this year. Many have had mentioned that he doesn't deserve me at all, but I made the choice to love this person that God has given me and chose to treasure him as much as I can. I always believe in God and His plans. Yet in return, I got nothing but 2 times of break up because of different reasons he gave to me with regards to who I am as a person.
There is no right or wrong person whom we love, is just a choice that we make in choosing our lives to love that person or not. Like someone mentioned to me, God gave us freewill. There are so many millions men/women around and if you choose person A, God will make it the best for you, and if you choose person B, God will still make the best out of it for you. Indeed, there is no right or wrong in choosing the partner we want, is the choice we make and allow God to help us through. Well, I never complaint anything rather behind very painful moment, I just wept silently. I braced through the pain and fought all over again for what I want and yet this news came to me. He flashed back something that NEVER changes about him. Was he desperate, I don’t know and I refused to know. Before me was another girl who he likes for a while, but after wooing, the girl still decided not to accept him, and then he gave up because I entered his life. For a moment later, when the girl hinted her love for him, he had already moved on (we are not together yet). It was just a short span of 2 months then too. This time round, the same thing happens again. How true it is, when you can't breakthrough, God will surely give it to you again and again, until He sees the breakthrough in you. The sad thing about breakthroughs from God is, if you don't learnt from the small pain, God will use "bigger" pain to teach.
Like what the bible says, "Whoever God loves, God chastens".
He never fights a lost battle. NEVER. I guess especially when it comes to love and woman. It is true nobody wants to be hurt, but love is a risk game that all of us will take at least one in our lives. Back to the point. I was really lost, at least for the past 2 days, I was feeling the worst of my life, because it seems tough to accept the fact and impossible to agree his actions when all he can reply to me was "I think many of your friends may think I am a jerk, but I don't care, cause I was conscious." I was so disappointed, because all he cares was how people looked at him. Yes MANY told me he is a JERK to leave me to die and clear up this mess all by myself, but to me, inside of me, I was just disappointed with his actions but the feeling and thought of him being a jerk NEVER existed.
Like I shared with many, there is nothing I can do. I can’t pray that they will break up and he will get back to me, because to him, we are the past and like he mentioned to me, "I will show how I love you to my NEW GIRLFRIEND." But I don't know how true this will be, because the Lord spoke to me in Prayer Meeting yesterday morning, "He will be back!" I laughed and within myself, my pride enters and I said, I don't want to share my boyfriend to someone and I don't want someone who can change his heart so fast.
I don't know, I will just wait and see how long can all this story be told. I can be a sure gal who can stand by you all the days of my life and I was sure enough to show you my love for you was never false. I don't know how to assure you and take away your insecurities when you mentioned you can't afford to get me a drum set. If it was tough for you to accept me when you know my heart was there always, I wonder what it will take if you ever see your girl in the arms of another guy. I know you can’t afford and you don’t have the capability to fight a battle where you know you are sharing! I don’t know, something is just meant to be. I know the love I found in you, it was NEVER the MONEY that you have; because you aren't rich, it was NEVER your look, because you aren't the most charming man I ever seen. It was just your love, your care and your thoughts, plus your sweet talk words that made my days worth carrying on.
Yet when I asked you have you ever thought of me when you decided to move on with her, you said you thought of everyone and that includes me! If I was naïve and a fool, I will be so happy with that. In the past, with those words, I will be chilled and smile but yesterday when you said that to me, I asked myself, if you do think of me, then how have you thought about my feelings and reactions if I were to see you attached? Have you been sensitive towards me with your actions? I questioned about myself and my acts and find what a fool I was after breakup to believe EVERY word that you said and changed just for you because I love you. I am willing to do anything and everything just for you. You said you want some space and don’t want to get into another relationship, so I accepted it, and I didn’t hold you tight. You said you want to save money because of the new phrase of your life, I respect that, that’s why I didn’t expect any Christmas present from you even when I know you spend $200 plus on your group of sheep. I never complain and I know I never will because I always give you the benefit of doubt that you know the best in every action you are taking.
To sum it all, why did I do it? To see you get a new girl and be happy with her? Anyway, I hate to be any noble, that’s why I write down exactly how I feel that I never get a chance to when we are together. I hate to tell you I wish you the best and from the bottom of my heart, I don’t want to wish you and I want to hate you like I told you, but yet I know it gain me nothing well in return; rather it hurts my relationship with God, so I want to wish you all the best for whatever it takes to be with her. There is everything I will give up just for you except my love and relationship with God. I will do anything and everything just for you, but I won’t do anything and everything that would cost me and my relationship with God; simply because I love God more than I love you. Call me spiritual; I don’t care because I know what it takes to follow Christ which you never know. I was spiritual but I was more practical than you can think of me to be.
I think if I carry on, the worst this post will get, so I think I better stop somewhere. Something that left me felt worst. There are many things that I can't turn around, but instead of being someone who people will love, you make yourself someone that people dislike and hate because of your pride, your words that contradict and your actions that kill. There are many people who stood by you, and so do I, but sometimes, you could have just missed the chance to gain the trust of people even more.
Have I not try my best? When I got to humble my pride and talk to you first but to you I never try; guess you are the one who didn’t.
Where were you when we are apart? You simply refused to even contact me, simply waiting for me to make the first move.
Have I not change and improve myself, yes I did and you took all for granted, thinking I will change and “obey” whatever you want me to do.
Have I not given much? As much as you do, I dare to say I didn’t give anything lesser. But you kept me thinking how much you sacrifice yourself just for me. –I really question that-
Have you realized the hurt you laid in my life? The moments your pride enters, the moments when your insecurity killed me.
The list goes on.
To you, whatever I had done was ALL wrong and you are right.
To you, I am forever immature and there are still plenty to know and you seem to reach the destination of life.
To you, I only rely on God and never was I practical and you are the one who knows what to do and what's right.
To you, I was forever that bad, even when you told me I am great, but behind me, I was so bad in your eyes.
To you, you only care for yourself.
You always tell me you don’t even know what I am thinking and have you ever thought for yourself why was I never daring enough to talk to you and share with you my life?
WHY?
Because before I could, I was already pinned to hell because of your gullible tongue, I rather remained silent then. There are so many times I tried to share, but look into the mirror, where were you? Were you even listening to me? Remember the most vivid one was when my grandmother went missing, you being my boyfriend only tells me, “It is normal”. You didn’t see the fear in my eyes; you didn’t know the fear of losing someone you love. But I forgave you, because I believe in you just trying to comfort yet you have no idea how. Then when we first broke up, I “beg” you to return to my arms, you told me, I hogged into too much of your life, and you needed space. I stood back and when you are back, I was the broken vessel; I was the second best already. Despite anything that I was doing to help us, you mentioned it was not me. Little did you know, to see the smile on your face worth more than anything I can afford in this life! Am I not right, that when I try to make us comfortable, you mentioned I was controlling you? Despite all that you know about me, you refused to give in to help me and allow me to change me as time passes by. Everything I did, was WRONG.
Like what the book “His Needs, Her Needs” wrote, your partner will ultimately be your best teacher, because she/he will be able to guide you to meet his and her needs in life. You were just too impatient with me and all you need was to see yourself happy in me. Buying gifts was never what stirs me on, nor was your physical presence; it was just you being who you are that overwhelmed me. You gave so many reasons why; for every action that your words gave but your actions never showed. I was judged by you for not being sensitive towards you, for not fighting the best, for not doing anything. I was criticized by you for not being who I am. Many a time, I take upon my stride and I think but what about yourself, how have you evaluate yourself? How have you been a better person towards me?
I was crying when I am writing this, because I know the pain that I carried so long. Have I loved a wrong person, I believe I didn’t. Will I ever hate him, I won’t. But I know I will hate his actions, his pride, and his not teachable spirit. I hate him for just wanting the best for himself. I hate him for his selfishness. This is the pain I carried for too long, 5 months or more. Enough of such a pain to bear, I am going to throw it away today as I end this post. I am going to move on and carry on WITHOUT you because you don’t deserve me at all. Since you will give me the saying, “there are better ones around me.” Just remember, the best of your life had already passed you by. After so much that I have done for you, these are what I get from you. My eyes have been opened. Thanks so much for the hurt.
Well, since you are someone who can let go so easily, I guess that’s good. I mean there is no right or wrong how long a person takes, as it is the choice of freewill in all nature. It didn’t take me long because I know I love you but today I have accepted the fact and move on. My love for you ends.
I don’t need you to mention to me that I ought to be someone best before someone else best will come into my life. I guess this applies to you for you only think you are the best, but failed to see your flaws. I don’t need you to tell me I will live better because I know I will have someone who can do a much better job than you did and I wish that she will be able to do, if not any better than me in your life.
Leave it, forget it and never to rake up again
Signing off,
daphne
4:36:00 PM