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As I have promised, I will blog about my breakthrough and experiences about my Morning Prayer Meeting in the second week of February. Many could have heard of my spiritual-emotional attack the day before Morning Prayer Meeting starts. *To be optimistic, it is only through attacks we encounter breakthrough*
I was eager for this Prayer Meeting because I will have the chance to pray with my all-time favorite prayer partner, Weiyu. It is really amazing how God allows us to encourage each other to seek Him in anytime of our lives. Anyway, it was tough to wake up early in the morning when you end the day before late and having the mentality that there’s another prayer meeting in the evening. It was a “pain” to many if they are in my shoes, especially so that they don’t have to work. =]
It was tough and painful for me to do it, but I know yet that these have been these days where I have been waiting for. It is because I have seen how God never shortchanged those people who truly seek Him and forget about who they are to pursue their love for God. I set my alarm clock at 4.30am and I remembered because I was so devastated the day before, Sunday, I slept at about 2am. Yet at 4am on a Monday morning, I woke up. =] I told myself it is still early and my alarm clock has not rang, so I can stay in a little longer and as I closed my eyes I heard a voice that says, “Dear, this is the time of which you promised Me.” I knew it is God. And my wake up calls came at 4am EVERYDAY through the week! God is amazing, isn’t He! =]
Day 1 of prayer meeting – Renewing and restoring me
It was a heavy heart that I bring to the Hall in Heart of God Church. I know I have to lay at the altar of God from that moment on, yet as I pray and as I put down, it seems tough to even want to do it. I doubt my faith, my ability to trust God one more time. I don’t know, God seems far when I cry out to Him for my greatest need. I know I have to move on, even when a part of me doesn’t want to. I JUST GOT TO GET OUT AND MOVE ON. As we all know, it is easier to say than done, it is easier to think than act. Has my will-power got stronger with my faith-level? I doubt so. After about 20minutes of yelling to God in my prayer, a strong wind of peace got a hold of me. I felt someone “hugging” me and assuring me and with it, I heard “I know it all and I love you. Thank you for sharing and trusting in me; believing I will help you out” Tears almost fell down my cheeks. I wasn’t crying physically but inside of me, I know I am weeping like a baby. From there, I heard the Lord spoke, “Read Psalm 86”. I flipped my bible and I just can’t believe God is any more real than this; He spoke out from my heart!
Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life - men without regard for you.
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant.
Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.
I left the place a little better but still I was down and in pain within my heart. I was crying like a baby when no one sees. I was hiding behind the curtain where no one can find me. But above all, I took what I have to trust and turn to God. I know when everything can goes wrong, it will, but my God is faithful and true; He is the same yesterday, today and forevermore. =] *thank God*
Day 2 of Prayer Meeting – The Lord will help; He is strengthening me today.
Today was much more painful than yesterday because I “confronted” and got my queries answered. I was more disappointed than what it was all to be. I didn’t really any happier or easier to get to prayer meeting today, but like said, it is a promised unto God, I will do so. For my love for God, I will just do it, even when I may not feel good in doing so. I was really lost and numb; pain and astray. Yet God is faithful till the end with me and for me. I know my prayer that morning was pure “dumb” of myself, I cried out to God and said, “I don’t want to carry on anymore, I don’t want to live, I want to give up everything that I have”. I yelled and yelled, mumbled, grumbled, complaint and saying, bitching and nagging, I stopped as I grew tired of doing so. I heard that voice and it says, “If there is no one who you can live for, you live for ME.” And there I saw, God picked me out from Hell to reality. He continued to say, “He will be back and trust me on my plans for your life.” It was a total remorseful moment when God enlightened my heart, I plead for forgiveness and the strength to move on the way God wants me to do so. =]
Day 3 of Prayer Meeting – God restored; His healing power is INSTANT
I know today is just different. I woke up with a joy that I know won’t be fake. I know the joy that’s within me, the cup that’s overflowing. Today is just a totally different day. =] Go d has been good to me, so when I started praying today, I was just thanking the Lord for the joy that He is pouring unto me, and the live He is restoring back to me. I know it is just God doing His work in me. Today, I know nothing is too tough for me to handle because God had given me what He knew I will overcome, but not overcome by my own, but overcome together with Him. God is not a God who loves to see us in pain, He is screaming from Heaven to see us rejoicing in breakthrough which He had prepared for you and me! =] Just like the Lord promised in His word in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Nothing is impossible with God who is in me! Thus seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and everything will be added unto you.
God had asked me to listen and as I listen; this is the song God wants me to hear.
I can see the glory of the Lord
Falling from Heaven
Falling around me
I can hear the calling of the Lord
Drawing me closer
Into Eternity
Holy Ghost
Breathe upon me
Into my soul
Fill me with glory
All my life
I want to sing
Praises to You
Here in Your Sanctuary
Day 4 of Prayer Meeting – Give thanks for Deliverance and Breakthrough
I didn’t make it for Morning Prayer Meeting today in Heart of God Church, I went to Riverwalk instead. When I was there, I saw my Cell Group members and Cell Group Leader too. I saw the hunger in all of us to just want to seek God and hear from God; standing in the gap to just pray and believe in God. As I enter the hall, I was feeling pretty easy and tuning to God was like a norm. I felt free when I start to pray and I could feel the presence of God. I saw NEW level ahead of me, I saw NEW wine that’s replacing the old, and I saw NEW of everything that God had changed for me. He is speaking to me, “The old has passed and the NEW has come.” I saw myself reciting Psalm 23 and thanking the Lord for His ever-true promises in my life. I yearned to have more of God and less of me and even when there is less of me, God spoke, “Nothing that forms against me can prosper.” God is far beyond what our human mind can truly imagine. He is too real to even resist. My cry that evening for a brand NEW level in serving Him.
*I saw “him” in Riverwalk too yet the feeling of seeing him is so much different from what it used to be. It goes to show, I have had already moved on, little did I know, but at some checkpoints, you will just see the results of your efforts.*
Day 5 of Prayer Meeting – Never Never Never Give up – Carry on that one MORE mile
Coming to the last of this month Prayer Meeting; I know it had just been yet the beginning. I thank God that I do have the habit of praying to Him not just only in Prayer Meeting, but yet I know such Prayer Meeting allows and tests our faith and love for God. How much are we willing to sacrifice for Him, not about compromising and making us comfortable, but truly sacrifice because of the love that we have. =] Without fail, God spoke to me again. He spoke words of encouragement to build me up and prepare me for a greater journey and blessings ahead of me. =] God says “Complete the race that I have begun in you not with your own strength and power but also often remember to lean and trust in Me!”
I felt Prayer Meeting was like a platform for us to get charged up for the greater journey ahead of us. =] Prayer Meeting has always been the most wonderful time of my life as I learn to cuddle in the presence of my God. Many asked how could I just make it for Prayer Meeting, I guess I have no idea why and how too, just by plain faith and love that I have with that Someone. Love does help to push you onto another level of sacrifice. Thank God.
To sum it all, how do I know I breakthrough? I know it not because I think so or I guess that God is doing a great work, I know it because I see where I was when I came for prayer meeting and where I had gone to after 5 days of prayer meeting. I also saw the different emotions that were brought out after these 5 days and my choices and decisions of every action I am taking. =] I saw a different me, a different view, a different of everything. Most importantly, I know it with the people around me who helped me through.
Praise God and Praise God forever.
4:51:00 PM
7:56:00 PM
I lay down my pain
This is not a judgmental entry is just a story from my side.
This entry is going to be super long and so along the way, if you may not feel comfortable in reading, my advice is you click the button on the top right hand corner with it a cross inside a red box if you are using Window and the square red cross button on the top left hand corner if you are a Mac user.
*This is just going to be my super personal and I am not afraid of what you guys are going to judge me and condemn me on or even going to see me from today onwards, because after this, I will lay it at the altar and truly move on.* - I am not hiding anything or details, so to whoever are reading, if it does offense you, I am sorry. Anyway, call me childish or naive, immature or inexperience, I am still going to write this down.
The shock of my life came just 3 days ago. I found my very FIRST boyfriend attached. It was just 2 months 6 days since the day we ended the journey. It was just about 5 months since we first got together and 8 months since we first known each other. Maybe I should have already expected it when I approached him FIRST as a friend again with the intention to start all over again in January this year. Many have had mentioned that he doesn't deserve me at all, but I made the choice to love this person that God has given me and chose to treasure him as much as I can. I always believe in God and His plans. Yet in return, I got nothing but 2 times of break up because of different reasons he gave to me with regards to who I am as a person.
There is no right or wrong person whom we love, is just a choice that we make in choosing our lives to love that person or not. Like someone mentioned to me, God gave us freewill. There are so many millions men/women around and if you choose person A, God will make it the best for you, and if you choose person B, God will still make the best out of it for you. Indeed, there is no right or wrong in choosing the partner we want, is the choice we make and allow God to help us through. Well, I never complaint anything rather behind very painful moment, I just wept silently. I braced through the pain and fought all over again for what I want and yet this news came to me. He flashed back something that NEVER changes about him. Was he desperate, I don’t know and I refused to know. Before me was another girl who he likes for a while, but after wooing, the girl still decided not to accept him, and then he gave up because I entered his life. For a moment later, when the girl hinted her love for him, he had already moved on (we are not together yet). It was just a short span of 2 months then too. This time round, the same thing happens again. How true it is, when you can't breakthrough, God will surely give it to you again and again, until He sees the breakthrough in you. The sad thing about breakthroughs from God is, if you don't learnt from the small pain, God will use "bigger" pain to teach.
Like what the bible says, "Whoever God loves, God chastens".
He never fights a lost battle. NEVER. I guess especially when it comes to love and woman. It is true nobody wants to be hurt, but love is a risk game that all of us will take at least one in our lives. Back to the point. I was really lost, at least for the past 2 days, I was feeling the worst of my life, because it seems tough to accept the fact and impossible to agree his actions when all he can reply to me was "I think many of your friends may think I am a jerk, but I don't care, cause I was conscious." I was so disappointed, because all he cares was how people looked at him. Yes MANY told me he is a JERK to leave me to die and clear up this mess all by myself, but to me, inside of me, I was just disappointed with his actions but the feeling and thought of him being a jerk NEVER existed.
Like I shared with many, there is nothing I can do. I can’t pray that they will break up and he will get back to me, because to him, we are the past and like he mentioned to me, "I will show how I love you to my NEW GIRLFRIEND." But I don't know how true this will be, because the Lord spoke to me in Prayer Meeting yesterday morning, "He will be back!" I laughed and within myself, my pride enters and I said, I don't want to share my boyfriend to someone and I don't want someone who can change his heart so fast.
I don't know, I will just wait and see how long can all this story be told. I can be a sure gal who can stand by you all the days of my life and I was sure enough to show you my love for you was never false. I don't know how to assure you and take away your insecurities when you mentioned you can't afford to get me a drum set. If it was tough for you to accept me when you know my heart was there always, I wonder what it will take if you ever see your girl in the arms of another guy. I know you can’t afford and you don’t have the capability to fight a battle where you know you are sharing! I don’t know, something is just meant to be. I know the love I found in you, it was NEVER the MONEY that you have; because you aren't rich, it was NEVER your look, because you aren't the most charming man I ever seen. It was just your love, your care and your thoughts, plus your sweet talk words that made my days worth carrying on.
Yet when I asked you have you ever thought of me when you decided to move on with her, you said you thought of everyone and that includes me! If I was naïve and a fool, I will be so happy with that. In the past, with those words, I will be chilled and smile but yesterday when you said that to me, I asked myself, if you do think of me, then how have you thought about my feelings and reactions if I were to see you attached? Have you been sensitive towards me with your actions? I questioned about myself and my acts and find what a fool I was after breakup to believe EVERY word that you said and changed just for you because I love you. I am willing to do anything and everything just for you. You said you want some space and don’t want to get into another relationship, so I accepted it, and I didn’t hold you tight. You said you want to save money because of the new phrase of your life, I respect that, that’s why I didn’t expect any Christmas present from you even when I know you spend $200 plus on your group of sheep. I never complain and I know I never will because I always give you the benefit of doubt that you know the best in every action you are taking.
To sum it all, why did I do it? To see you get a new girl and be happy with her? Anyway, I hate to be any noble, that’s why I write down exactly how I feel that I never get a chance to when we are together. I hate to tell you I wish you the best and from the bottom of my heart, I don’t want to wish you and I want to hate you like I told you, but yet I know it gain me nothing well in return; rather it hurts my relationship with God, so I want to wish you all the best for whatever it takes to be with her. There is everything I will give up just for you except my love and relationship with God. I will do anything and everything just for you, but I won’t do anything and everything that would cost me and my relationship with God; simply because I love God more than I love you. Call me spiritual; I don’t care because I know what it takes to follow Christ which you never know. I was spiritual but I was more practical than you can think of me to be.
I think if I carry on, the worst this post will get, so I think I better stop somewhere. Something that left me felt worst. There are many things that I can't turn around, but instead of being someone who people will love, you make yourself someone that people dislike and hate because of your pride, your words that contradict and your actions that kill. There are many people who stood by you, and so do I, but sometimes, you could have just missed the chance to gain the trust of people even more.
Have I not try my best? When I got to humble my pride and talk to you first but to you I never try; guess you are the one who didn’t.
Where were you when we are apart? You simply refused to even contact me, simply waiting for me to make the first move.
Have I not change and improve myself, yes I did and you took all for granted, thinking I will change and “obey” whatever you want me to do.
Have I not given much? As much as you do, I dare to say I didn’t give anything lesser. But you kept me thinking how much you sacrifice yourself just for me. –I really question that-
Have you realized the hurt you laid in my life? The moments your pride enters, the moments when your insecurity killed me.
The list goes on.
To you, whatever I had done was ALL wrong and you are right.
To you, I am forever immature and there are still plenty to know and you seem to reach the destination of life.
To you, I only rely on God and never was I practical and you are the one who knows what to do and what's right.
To you, I was forever that bad, even when you told me I am great, but behind me, I was so bad in your eyes.
To you, you only care for yourself.
You always tell me you don’t even know what I am thinking and have you ever thought for yourself why was I never daring enough to talk to you and share with you my life?
WHY?
Because before I could, I was already pinned to hell because of your gullible tongue, I rather remained silent then. There are so many times I tried to share, but look into the mirror, where were you? Were you even listening to me? Remember the most vivid one was when my grandmother went missing, you being my boyfriend only tells me, “It is normal”. You didn’t see the fear in my eyes; you didn’t know the fear of losing someone you love. But I forgave you, because I believe in you just trying to comfort yet you have no idea how. Then when we first broke up, I “beg” you to return to my arms, you told me, I hogged into too much of your life, and you needed space. I stood back and when you are back, I was the broken vessel; I was the second best already. Despite anything that I was doing to help us, you mentioned it was not me. Little did you know, to see the smile on your face worth more than anything I can afford in this life! Am I not right, that when I try to make us comfortable, you mentioned I was controlling you? Despite all that you know about me, you refused to give in to help me and allow me to change me as time passes by. Everything I did, was WRONG.
Like what the book “His Needs, Her Needs” wrote, your partner will ultimately be your best teacher, because she/he will be able to guide you to meet his and her needs in life. You were just too impatient with me and all you need was to see yourself happy in me. Buying gifts was never what stirs me on, nor was your physical presence; it was just you being who you are that overwhelmed me. You gave so many reasons why; for every action that your words gave but your actions never showed. I was judged by you for not being sensitive towards you, for not fighting the best, for not doing anything. I was criticized by you for not being who I am. Many a time, I take upon my stride and I think but what about yourself, how have you evaluate yourself? How have you been a better person towards me?
I was crying when I am writing this, because I know the pain that I carried so long. Have I loved a wrong person, I believe I didn’t. Will I ever hate him, I won’t. But I know I will hate his actions, his pride, and his not teachable spirit. I hate him for just wanting the best for himself. I hate him for his selfishness. This is the pain I carried for too long, 5 months or more. Enough of such a pain to bear, I am going to throw it away today as I end this post. I am going to move on and carry on WITHOUT you because you don’t deserve me at all. Since you will give me the saying, “there are better ones around me.” Just remember, the best of your life had already passed you by. After so much that I have done for you, these are what I get from you. My eyes have been opened. Thanks so much for the hurt.
Well, since you are someone who can let go so easily, I guess that’s good. I mean there is no right or wrong how long a person takes, as it is the choice of freewill in all nature. It didn’t take me long because I know I love you but today I have accepted the fact and move on. My love for you ends.
I don’t need you to mention to me that I ought to be someone best before someone else best will come into my life. I guess this applies to you for you only think you are the best, but failed to see your flaws. I don’t need you to tell me I will live better because I know I will have someone who can do a much better job than you did and I wish that she will be able to do, if not any better than me in your life.
Leave it, forget it and never to rake up again
Signing off,
daphne
4:36:00 PM
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