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Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Why have I been searching for things that doesn’t needs me to do so now?
Why am I bringing myself to do things that only hurt no one but me?
Why is life so much a pain in hunting than allowing myself to rest?
Why and why is all that I am asking?

People may say, stop asking why; ask why not? Okay let’s start now.

Why not I stop searching for the things that doesn’t needs me to do so now?
I tried to stop search the missing love in my life, but I failed. All of us humans need this special feeling of being love and to be able to love. Everywhere we go, love unites people. I have the spiritual love of my Father in Heaven and I know all that I needed is just to rely on Him who will do wonders in my life. I believe and I trust in Him. Yet physically, I am just like a child without love. I have parents who doesn’t really cares about my growing up (don’t compare me with orphans). Thus, I realized I am not loved, so I searched to love others. Time after time, I saw myself crying in the dark because he is not the young man that is for me. Seriously, I am tired. I felt so numb towards love. I felt so cold to the home. I felt I am just alone. I need an “old” man and “old” lady to love me just like a father and a mother loves their children. I stay at a house with 5 people but there is no love.

Why not I stop doing things that will hurt me?
I am fighting a battle of emotions that I myself have no control with. I can’t find love at home; I try to find it somewhere. As often as I thought I found it, I realized I am at the dead end of the path. I hurt no one but once again, it is me. I tried to stop searching for this physical love but I can’t live without love or being love.

Why not allow myself to feel less pain by just resting instead of hunting?
I rest in the arms of my Father in Heaven but no matter how much I rested, I still feel the emptiness of my physical needs. I just have no idea how to carry on than to take a step back everyday and simply cry myself to sleep.

Why not why not?
There are so many things that I can simply close my eyes and just chuck it aside. I know I can just put it at the foot of the cross to allow my God who loves me to handle and solve for me. But once again I am reminded that God will help those who help themselves. I just want to be responsible that I have a LOVE problem to be faced, no point to sweep under the carpet. Now, I know the root of my problem, I can trust in the Lord even deeper.

Love has been the hindrance between me and my serving unto the Lord. My covenant has been tested again and again. Each time I said, God I will give you my time till I am 21 years old before you open the door for the right man to enter. I am challenged with a family problem and I will look for a young man whom I can turn to and cry on. I know this is not what the Lord desires nor is this what the Lord had planned but I am too weak to face the world myself, thus I turned my face there. After every storm, I plead for forgiveness. I plead to stay faithful in my love for Him, yet I failed once again.

This entry is not for you to judge me nor to comment anything about me, rather this is a story I just want to share with you. You can look at me with whatever eyes you have, I don’t care because I am assured by Him that I dare to face it openly, He will surely bring me up for His glory to be shine through in me. If the least you want, you can pray with me that God will restore my family and God will break the entire generation curse and from now God will allow His love to dwell in my house. I pray also that God will send me Godparents to walk along me and guide me like their child.

8:07:00 PM

I have only something in my heart before I leave for this mission trip that this is going to be a “God send-me” trip. I prayed for a trip to India but I also ask God that unless He made it possible, I will not rush through to get my will done. Even before the trip starts, God had trained me to be patient and in everything, rely on Him who has the control of time. It was a tough battle when I faced my April and June Holidays having nothing much to do. In the eyes of God, what I think is useless, God will change it for me so that I may share His name and glory to others.

Throughout the whole trip that lasted for 10 days, I was rather quiet and submissive. I was tasked to back-up singing, teaching the children how to do crafts, leading worship in the children programs and also to support whenever and wherever is needed.

This trip I had learnt a lot of life lessons that I prayed it will be kept lifelong and applied everywhere I go.

The first key lesson I learnt is from my team-leader, Uncle Stanley. He taught me the real meaning of what a leader is all about. He humbled himself down to meet the needs and requirements of everyone in the team. He was never too quick to judge nor too fast to criticize but rather he’s always patient to hear all our opinions. In him, I see the real meaning of being a leader; he must first be a servant. Uncle Stanley also showed me the power of his love for Jesus, and because of this love, he can do anything that was tasked for him. I am so thankful that I was given such an opportunity to know him and from him my fire for God has start to burn once again.

My second key lesson I had learnt is my serving unto the Lord. I always thought that planning is so important that I dislike last minutes changes. Through the many children programs we had done in India, I had slowly learnt and discovered that programs are just the “show to others” and the Spirit of God is the foundation of everything. A program without God’s direction is meaningless. I guess this had allowed me to serve in the Children ministry with a different mindset and purpose. I prayed that every Saturday when I serve, I will be able to serve God and not just to fulfill the Saturday’s program, because I need to impact and touch the young lives for God.

As for this trip, I’m not as amazed as my previous trip with regards to the living conditions of the people there. Yet there is one thing in them that touched me deeply; is their simple faith in believing in our Lord Jesus Christ. Back here, people ask God for the detailed prayers that God “must” answer but in India, they simply just ask for God’s blessings to be upon their family.

As I reflect what I had learnt through the trip, the Lord showed me His faithfulness in my life. I am amazed by His love that drives me for more of Him, His grace that are new every morning, His mercy that never fail even when I failed. I am just overwhelmed by the power of the Lord. Just as I flip through the journey, I thank God for recharging my passion for Him; I thank Jesus for restoring my soul to do more of His works and I thank the Holy Spirit for renewing my spirit to be sensitive to Him once again. Jesus I love You and no one will ever take me away from You.

I learnt the important lesson of contentment that I will not take things for granted. God gives the best for me and God gives the best of what He thinks I can handle. God had ALWAYS given the best to those who love Him. I got a deeper understanding of how much my God loves me. He cares for everything that I am facing, doing and even handling. God is interested in all. So much so that I appreciate what I am doing for His glory. Just as I thought God is more concern in the lives of those I am going to touch, He showed that He is more concern of my life.

Now, I boast in the name of my Lord for all the good things because He had made all possible for me. My God, My Savior, My Friend, He is my Lord Jesus Christ.

He’s the Lord of the Sunshine
The Lord of the Rain
He’s the Lord of the Good Times
The Lord of the Pain
He’s the Lord of the Mountain
The Lord of the Sea
He’s the Lord of Music
The Lord of the Children
He’s the Lord of
You and Me

A song I dedicate to you that as you read the lyrics, picture the Creator who is our Lord God. God bless you and I love you.

12:29:00 AM

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


The horrible month of the year had passed yet I am still in the shock of disappointment. I came to the bottom line which I had understood I am a NOBODY to you. It is just so impossible for you to remember my birthday but to any others you spend your day. Gosh, I AM JEALOUS. I admit I am. Once again, I would say NEVERMIND. [Sweep under the carpet]

I was so happy that one of my biggest wish had come true –to have him wishing me Happy Birthday. Though it was like Happy Belated Birthday but I am so overwhelmed when you did. You painted the darkest birthday to a colorful, memorable birthday. Thank you. If ever you read which I know you don’t, “Please don’t feel bad for not spending my birthday with me. I am fine. I know you remember it and you thought of me recently; I appreciate. This is more that enough. ”

2 more days and I will be in India serving the Lord and the people there. I am so excited. Continue to pray for me and if you think you would like to be my prayer partners, you can always message me (latest Friday morning) so that I can email you. I will be back with a wonderful story for how God has been awesome throughout the whole trip. Meantime, all my friends do take care of yourself. To the small him, I will miss you over there but sorry you had to come second because God will be my focus over there. ? I will miss my family members but then I will call back home. Lastly, JOASH TAN, I WILL MISS YOU LOT LOT.

1:58:00 PM

Hugs & Kisses -OXOX-

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