Friday, February 08, 2008
When night falls, many thoughts are really running through my little brain. I can't help but to think why the journey where we took with God has ended in such an ugly way. I won't deny I was at fault for making a big fuss out of it and through my emotions and words, I chase away your courage to stand up again. I won't deny, subconsciously, I was hurting you. I won't deny. Well, I was taken a step back by my best friend to look at things from my angle, since I was aware where I fall and how I am hurting you. She told me, without me realizing, you are hurting me and causing those unnecessary pain in my life too. Those words you mention that are void, those actions that you did bring hurt. What more can a child like me hold and sustain!
Recently, I have been telling myself and praying to God for strength to stand up and forgive you and myself. I know I have to but yet it seems just so tough to do it all over again. I know I struggled for 5 months with the same issue just not ago and now I am back to square one, I realized, I am lost for it. For once, I found out is so easy to say but yet so tough to do what was said; that's where I chose to let go off those empty promises that you made in my life and forget it; just enjoy and remember those actions. We are no perfect man, we surely fall, we certainly will sin, so Daphne had learnt not hold too high a hope for the higher you hope for, the more disappointed you get when that someone fail.
Like I mentioned previously, I had somehow got myself an invisible shield against him. I wish I didn't have to, but it hurts just so badly that I am afraid of the second time. I want to treat you like I used to, if not better but again, I said I don't have to. I want to love you and wait for you even when I know you have someone else in mind, but when I think of how you can treat me, I was turned off. I want to make you the happiest person ever, yet you chose to shut me out, I guess, we just met each other at a different junction of each other's lives.
When love songs was played, the image of you run so vividly in my mind, especially those that mention about love, wait, lost, future. The thoughts of waiting just hit my heart and I just create a story of my own which I pray would be ours. Then when the song ends, when reality got a hold of me again, I drew the past hurts, how crazy and impossible it would be to just WAIT AIMLESSLY. I am standing in the gap of two extremes.
You told me to do what deem fit but do you know I have no idea what's right and wrong anymore, thus I guess I am a little fickle minded now. On one hand I want to let go, on the other I can't bear to let go. I am really tired in fighting, and when I have negative thoughts that run through me, you told me straight to my face that I should not emotions hold me and when I try to be "holy" and positive, you wrote, why are people competing to be positive! -thinking-
For the very first time, I experienced the different treatment one can offer. I often think I am bias and unfair because when
I treat someone the best I can, he/she get the best, others are just normal. I never spare a thought of those whom I often neglected now I know. I really do. I saw with my own eyes how you are willing to go that extra mile for her. The attention where she is receiving is more than double of what I've got. Well, the power of love. You would lay down your life for your love ones. (I would do it for you once, but not now)
I have no idea where I am heading in my writing, I am being random or it just goes to show the many thoughts that are running in my mind. I can't hold them and I can't express it. I have not never been so messed up with my own life before. Yet in all these mess, I found my God is here with me; I will be still, know You are God. The Holy Spirit has been speaking to me, and teaching me the right steps to take, but sometimes, the stubborn me just would like to try out new stuff. :)
I pray for forgiveness so that I can forget the hurts, words and actions. Upon forgiveness, I pray for reconciliation so that we may be able to edify each other in painful trouble times. After reconciliation, I asked for revival that we make it firm for our Lord
Jesus Christ. With revival, I seek for opportunities to share such experiences with people and friends. This is not an easy out, but long and narrow way, God, I will follow You.
How much you would like to wait, to endure my nonsense, to trust me and to make me your friend again, is your choice! I have warned you, I do bring hurt unto you, yet you chose to come near. Well, give me time for now, I believe a day will come where I can treat you the way God would have done, if He was me. Be blessed my friend, now and forever. I pray that a day will come where I hear from you that she is the best girl you can ever get.
12:13:00 AM
