Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Why have I been searching for things that doesn’t needs me to do so now?
Why am I bringing myself to do things that only hurt no one but me?
Why is life so much a pain in hunting than allowing myself to rest?
Why and why is all that I am asking?
People may say, stop asking why; ask why not? Okay let’s start now.
Why not I stop searching for the things that doesn’t needs me to do so now?
I tried to stop search the missing love in my life, but I failed. All of us humans need this special feeling of being love and to be able to love. Everywhere we go, love unites people. I have the spiritual love of my Father in Heaven and I know all that I needed is just to rely on Him who will do wonders in my life. I believe and I trust in Him. Yet physically, I am just like a child without love. I have parents who doesn’t really cares about my growing up (don’t compare me with orphans). Thus, I realized I am not loved, so I searched to love others. Time after time, I saw myself crying in the dark because he is not the young man that is for me. Seriously, I am tired. I felt so numb towards love. I felt so cold to the home. I felt I am just alone. I need an “old” man and “old” lady to love me just like a father and a mother loves their children. I stay at a house with 5 people but there is no love.
Why not I stop doing things that will hurt me?
I am fighting a battle of emotions that I myself have no control with. I can’t find love at home; I try to find it somewhere. As often as I thought I found it, I realized I am at the dead end of the path. I hurt no one but once again, it is me. I tried to stop searching for this physical love but I can’t live without love or being love.
Why not allow myself to feel less pain by just resting instead of hunting?
I rest in the arms of my Father in Heaven but no matter how much I rested, I still feel the emptiness of my physical needs. I just have no idea how to carry on than to take a step back everyday and simply cry myself to sleep.
Why not why not?
There are so many things that I can simply close my eyes and just chuck it aside. I know I can just put it at the foot of the cross to allow my God who loves me to handle and solve for me. But once again I am reminded that God will help those who help themselves. I just want to be responsible that I have a LOVE problem to be faced, no point to sweep under the carpet. Now, I know the root of my problem, I can trust in the Lord even deeper.
Love has been the hindrance between me and my serving unto the Lord. My covenant has been tested again and again. Each time I said, God I will give you my time till I am 21 years old before you open the door for the right man to enter. I am challenged with a family problem and I will look for a young man whom I can turn to and cry on. I know this is not what the Lord desires nor is this what the Lord had planned but I am too weak to face the world myself, thus I turned my face there. After every storm, I plead for forgiveness. I plead to stay faithful in my love for Him, yet I failed once again.
This entry is not for you to judge me nor to comment anything about me, rather this is a story I just want to share with you. You can look at me with whatever eyes you have, I don’t care because I am assured by Him that I dare to face it openly, He will surely bring me up for His glory to be shine through in me. If the least you want, you can pray with me that God will restore my family and God will break the entire generation curse and from now God will allow His love to dwell in my house. I pray also that God will send me Godparents to walk along me and guide me like their child.
8:07:00 PM
